GAH!!!!!!!!!

Scream of excitement!!!!!!!! One week from right now I will be probably on stage or close to being on stage for finals. Pre-judging will be done. The hard part will be over. Oh I am sooooo excited! This past week I have been feeling MUCH stronger and at peace with everything. I am only feeling joy as the day approaches. The nervous tummy twisting jitters have yet to hit...we'll see how long they stay away as I'm sure they will come out at some point. I have this overwhelming feeling inside that I can't even describe. It's so hard to grasp that it's almost here. A goal I have always dreamed of but never thought quite possible. I'm doing it and I'm *thisclose* to being able to say I DID it. And all not even 13 months after having a baby. I'm so psyched! And I even made it through Halloween (since I'm pooped and will be lame and heading to bead shortly) without a single thought or hesitation of having a piece of candy. Go me! Go me! Thank you Lord for the strength, willpower, energy, peace , contentment, etc the past week and I pray you continue to provide it to me in the remaining SIX days. Can you believe it? SIX! Okay...my neurotic bubbly self is signing off now. 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

10 Days Out - Pic of Sportswear

I had to take a picture of my sportswear to send to the promoters...so I decided to be nice and post it on the blog too. ;)

Click Goes the Lightbulb

Ya know? Like in the cartoons where the bulb clicks on over someone's head in that AHA! moment? Well, that is the feeling I had this morning while watching a Joyce Meyer message during my am cardio session. During her message, she said something along the lines of it is impossible for her to be happy in life while being a selfish person. Ding ding ding!! We have a winner! FINALLY - a way to sum up why this whole competition prep thing has me in some sort of identity crisis the past few weeks.

Competing is a very selfish sport. The time it takes to plan and prep meals, fit in all the workouts, practice posing, get things organized for the show is a lot. Then, there is the lack of energy leftover for the people in your life due to the extra effort that goes into all I just mentioned - only compounded by the lack of food and extra energy expenditure in workouts. I want to live love. I want my life to revolve around showing love and support to my family, friends, and others instead of all the effort that is going into reaching this goal. Now, that doesn't mean we shouldn't have goals or that we shouldn't take time for ourselves. Those are things that are important to everyone and need to be a part of each individual's life.

However, sometimes certain goals become apparent that they are not best suited to living a truly fulfilling life, the most fulfilling of which is one that God would want for you. I firmly believe that God put it on my heart to work towards this show so that I could learn and grow in the process. So that I could grow to trust Him to get me through something I want to give up on at times. So that I could learn what is really worth my time/energy/etc in life and make those things the focus after all is said and done. I am taking these lessons and I can't wait to run with them - in just 11 short days.

I will say that I am super excited for the show. I am very happy to have continued down this path and achieved something in the process....not allowing the possibility for "what-ifs" and regrets in the future. The end is near and it makes the overwhelming frustration of the process more of a tiny niggling in the back of my mind. I am doing much better, but still look forward to the freedom that will come with making it to the other side of this competition. I have felt more like my normal self recently - like this past weekend where I focused on just having a good time and lots of fun with my daughter for her 1st birthday party. Things are looking up :)

Wordless Wednesday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY PRECIOUS MAKENZIE!!!

Hi everyone. I have a LOT to get off my chest right now....so please bear with me and it will explain my MIA moments from my blog.

My heart is just not in it. Don't worry - I am still doing the show. I have done too much to not get on with the rest of it these last 2.5 weeks. And getting on stage is still something I want to accomplish and am psyched that I am going to finish. I don't want any regrets in my life and I know that if I didn't do this then I would have a regret and always have that "what if" pondering in the back of my mind. But still - I'm not into it. I have my moments where it is thrilling but for the most part, I am so over it you wouldn't believe how frustrating it is. And no it's not just because I am tired, hungry, stressed, etc. It is because I have gotten to where a lot of the time I feel like "What is the point?!?" I can understand goals and how doing shows is a focus that some people enjoy but I have certainly realized during this prep and especially in the last week or so that it is NOT ME. I miss the days of working out for the sake of it making me feel good, strong, happy, and healthy. I long for the days where I could eat healthy, balanced meals of what I want without thinking about measuring/weighing/calculating/fitting etc. I want to go back to the times when there was no guilt accompanied by wanting to enjoy a vacation, date, or my daughter's birthday. I can't wait to do things for ME and the fact that I enjoy it instead of for a date looming over my head like a dark raincloud.

Yes - I do plan to keep working hard. Yes - I do plan to do the show and make the best of it. But yes - I also am counting down the days and am in tears at times wishing it was over so I can go back to my LIFE! This is not how I live my life...I thrive to live with enjoying my family, friends, work in the church, taking care of myself, etc at the center and I don't feel like working to get on stage meshes well with what matters to me. I was talking to Peter last night about how sad I am that I won't be able to fully enjoy Makenzie's first birthday party. He said, "eating cake and icecream doesn't equal enjoying her party so you're fine". I told him its not about the eating. It's about the fact that on the day of her birthday party I will have to be thinking about being sure to get my workout in in the morning, then rushing to get things ready, then no matter how you cut it it will SUCK watching everyone else enjoy some treats while I can't and I resent the feeling of I can't instead of if I chose not to at that time (not I chose not to when deciding to compete so don't throw that BS at me bec I get that)....and its about that the stress of the show coming up, will I be ready, I have to be sure I am taking the time to get my meals prepped and eaten instead of spending time with company, etc etc etc, the neverendingness of it all. And that's just one DAY! I feel like even though I am still doing things with my family, leading my church group, taking care of my motherly/wifely responsibilities the passion and love for those things that used to encompass me is being edged out by the competing. Don't tell me - "oh don't feel that way" or "oh you are worrying too much". I really am not "worrying" too much. I could give two shits these days about it honestly. But I am not a quitter so I keep on. I have already paid the money for the entry fee and tickets for my family to come watch - so doing the show is a done deal. I just want it over and to check it off my list of I did something I've always wondered about and then be able to walk away and never look back.

I haven't been posting much here because when I'm here or on my blog or wherever the show talk feels like the focus of what I need to talk about and such and I am just avoiding it. I do what needs to be done with workouts/meals/etc and then I walk away and prefer to spend my free time busy with things around the house, with Peter, with Makenzie, with a good book, with a tv show, basically anything but fitness talk. I hope this rambling makes sense. And please please please don't respond with some condescending oh it will be ok message. I know it will be - which is why I look forward to it being over. Or telling me it will be worth it - I know it will be bec I set out to accomplish this and I WILL be DAMN proud to have done it...doesn't mean I have to be excited about what it's doing to my life at the moement. Don't tell me its only a little bit left - I know that and when you want it to just be over and done with, time stretches out indefinitely. Don't tell me I am letting it get to me too much - you be in my shoes and feel as though life is passing you by when it doesn't have to and its bec of some decision you made 12 weeks ago and not something that just happened to you and see how easy it is to not let it bother you. Sorry for the rant but I just have to clear it all. Do I know that I know you all love and support me TONS. And I do appreciate it immensely. There are just some things I can't stand hearing or talking about right now and I hope you understand and respect that with me not being around much and being a bit cranky about the whole show thing and what I'm feeling. Love you all!

Mixed Bag of Emotions

The past few days things have been up, down, side to side, backwards, forwards, and everywhere in between. My mind has gone in circles and it has all just been dizzying and a lot to handle. The emotions and mental games of competition prep are something else! It's interesting to feel as though things are harder than ever but easier all at the same time. The workouts, continued deficit food intake (sounds nicer than dieting, huh? haha), the planning. etc are all harder than ever to get through. But then, at the same moment, I can think I am only 19 days away from the finish line so everything seems brighter and more manageable too. Knowing that I only have so many days left of the limited eats and intense cardio makes it bearable to go through the motions. Knowing that in a week I will be getting my hair done, a few days after that having my wax, a few days after that my nails, and then getting glammed up for the show is exciting. Thinking about how FAST less than three weeks will go by is exhilarating.

BUT there is anxiety mixed in there as well. For example, last night was the 2nd time in the past week I have had a very very very realistic and intense dream where it was show day and I was at the venue, expected to go on stage in like 20 minutes.....with NO suit, tanner, makeup, hair, ANYTHING done. I wake up freaked and upset thinking all my effort was wasted. Come on now! And there is the feeling of isn't this all done YET!??? It's overwhelming all the time that goes into it and I just want to be intuitive again with what I eat, when I eat, etc and not having to schedule things around workouts and the more limited time I have these last days. Even though I don't let this competition prep stuff rule my life and am still a mother, wife, friend, etc first....I still miss the freedoms and ease of my life from a few short months ago and another few weeks when thinking about it that way seems like forever away.

So - I guess the point of this post is just to share that its weird. I am excited, pumped, and sooooo ready to have fun with the show and bust out 100% these last few weeks and the other half is just DONE! I know the first of the two sides will be victorious and carry me through these weeks with hopefully minimal disruptions from the exhausted side. But it is there. It is a struggle. It is hard. I guess that's what makes it worth it.......and worth it oh it will be. No doubt about that.

Wordless Wednesday Pictures & Special Email

I forgot to post some pictures of my big girl walking!

And also I got an email from a friend that lists 45 truths a woman of 90 discovered through her life. I think they are very good and something we can all try to apply. Enjoy!

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.

Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

4 1. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Trucking Along

I received an email from the show directors last night with information on things we are expected to do prior to show - such as scheduling our polygraph testing (its a natural show with all competitors tested), taking a picture of myself in my sportswear to send in (they have strict dresscode on this outfit), having music on CD, etc etc. It was surreal to receive that email and know that this will all be here in only a few more short weeks. I am so excited for it! I am doing what I have set out to do. It is amazing to realize that a goal I have had for years will be achieved soon. Until that day comes, though, I will just keep on trucking along and doing my absolute best. I still have some things to figure out with how I want to approach peak week. I do not plan to do sodium/water manipulation that week as I don't think it's necessary after seeing some of my wonderful friends and mentors compete without it and do extraordinarily well. The main thing I will be having to tweak is my macros and deciding what will fill me out the best. I am not too stressed about it though because this prep is all a learning process. The next one will be about growing and developing a better prep with what I get out of this round. And at this moment - I think I do foresee myself doing another competition in spring of next year before hanging up the hooker shoes to work on baby #2. As you can see,  I have had a lot of thoughts going through my mind. I am embracing them, not stressing myself, enjoying the process of the final stretch, and working hard with a smile on my face. Now time to get a move on this day - my sister should be here shortly. We will be watching last night's The Biggest Loser since she missed it (I've already watched and MAN!!! I could throttle Tracy!) and we will also be relaxing, talking, and the like. I will update more later of my training/cardio/etc. Have wonderful days! 

Thanks

I would just like to start off by saying thank you to those of you who left comments, sent emails, and gave me your support. It really helps a lot to know that others understand and can recognize that I am working hard, but not letting it control me. So, thank you. 


Now an update of today....


Woke up, trained shoulders & abs, did some laundry and dishes/cleaning throughout the day, watched Makenzie chase our dog around all day long, food prepped veggies/ground turkey/chicken, went to the gym for afternoon cycle, and now am watching some DVR'd Greys Anatomy and Desperate Housewives. Overall, a successful day.

Training: Shoulders
Cardio: 60 min Spin Class
Extra: Abs, Routine Practice
Diet: On (low day)
meal 1 = coffee/whey shake
meal 2 = oats/raisins/All the Whey pp, egg beaters, strawberries
meal 3 = ground turkey/salsa/Josephs Lavash wrap, salad (spinach, romaine, tomato, cucumber, onion, lite Caesar dressing)
meal 4 = All the Whey pp/almond mik, apple/pb
meal 5 = chicken, broccoli

Have You Ever.....

.....just felt like THIS?!

Well, that is about how I felt a few moments ago. I am back from a wonderful weekend away with Peter and some of our closest friends. We had a fabulous time relaxing, talking, laughing, enjoying each other's company, etc. And over the course of the vacation I decided that I wasn't going to be as extremely strict for competition prep purposes as I had anticipated. It was a vacation. It was not a time to be stressing myself out but instead a time to let loose a bit. So, I did. I didn't do any of the cardio I planned to do or my weight workout when we got home on Sunday. I took a full 3 days of rest besides a couple of easy walks with my husband. I didn't measure out every morsel of food, ate some easier things (like extra fruit and snacks, less chicken & veggies), and even had some cheats with a delicious dinner out and an extra treat with my husband one night.

I did not feel guilty in the least about any of this. Is it the smartest thing for someone 4 weeks out from a figure competition? No, probably not. Is it a good decision for someone who wants to put living her life first above anything else? Yes, most definitely. Which is why I didn't feel guilty. I knew that my #1 goal in this process is to accomplish doing the show and looking the part on that stage. My #1 goal is not to win, or even place. Would it be nice? Of course. But that is still not the point of this show. So, with that in mind, and knowing I want to live my life and enjoy special moments with my friends and husband I took a more laid back approach to this weekend away. I am feeling the effects of it by feeling a lot more bloated and a lot less defined, as well as a decent scale bump but even that didn't get me down. 

So, what sent me to feeling like just screaming at the top of my lungs? The feeling that I would have to JUSTIFY what I felt comfortable doing and what was best for my mindset and where I am at right now. The fact that I truly believe there are people out there who would hear of my weekend and think "Yep. I knew she couldn't handle this. She's not doing it like she should and it's going to show. She is not a true competitor." Why would I feel like that? Because I have attempted doing a show before and had to leave it behind. And when I made it known I was going after that goal again there were quite a few people who seemed shocked that I was attempting this again and not shocked in a "Wow, thats awesome!" way but shocked in a "Huh? Are you sure thats a good idea? I don't know if its right for you" kind of way. I am doing this show to have no regrets and to finish something I started before. And the fact that I'm not doing it by the textbook leaves me feeling defensive in some situations. And THAT is what irks me beyond belief and has me wanting to hit something while screaming at the top of my lungs. I should NOT feel that way. 

I went to post an update on a fitness forum and felt like I had screwed up, like I was going to be judged, and like I was a failure. And for WHAT?! For enjoying my life, while doing things that although may not be perfect are in fact still not going to keep me from achieving what I have set out to do? I should feel no shame. And I don't as I finish typing this post. But I do feel frustration. That there are people out there who I know expect me to fail, expect me to not do this as "perfectly" as they might. But you know what? I have more to my life than this whole competition thing. It is a HOBBY and I'm proud to say it did not interfere with me being who I am and what I stand by. So for all of you doubters - I'm still setting out to do what I intended. I'm still going to get on that stage. I may not be as defined/lean/etc as I could have been if I took the prep diet and all more seriously...but you know what? I'm smiling and loving life too. Nothing can take that from me. Nothing. 

And for the record - I do plan on sticking to things 100% the remainder of prep. And if I do another show, then that prep will be more about improving what I bring to the stage and taking things more seriously. And I do NOT feel guilty about this weekend. Things will still fall into place just fine for what I'm working so hard for. 

Wordless Wednesday

My Hooker Stage Make-Up Trial Run - I love the colors I found....but know that I will probably have to layer them on even more so will keep on practicing. Ha! I'm off now. Won't be back around until sometime Sunday or Monday due to being out of town.

Can I Get A Moment Please???

Happy Wednesday morning! Sheesh this week is flying by. I can't believe that I leave for the beach tomorrow afternoon - for what shall probably be a very interesting vacation. At least I have good friends who support my goals and won't let me stray off track...even if it does mean going against everything I've ever felt about vacations and not being anal on them. I KNOW it will be worth it though and I am sure there will be good memories made along the way.

Anyways - yesterday was ridiculously busy as always and today will be even more so. Yesterday was spending time with M and trying to get some things done to get ready for the trip. Then back & bi training with a tough cardio session at the gym late afternoon. After that = home to get dinner ready, lil sis came over to watch TBL together, and bed. Exhausted!

Today I will be going to spin this morning early and then, after I get home and get my big breakfast in me (YAY pumpkin protein pancakes and high day!!) and Makenzie naps, my sister and I will be heading out to pick out some makeup for the show. I ended up going with MAC Studio Tech for the foundation but am just going to go to CVS and get some stuff for eyes/lips/etc bec they have the 100% money back guarantee so I can mess around with lots of different things, return what doesn't work out, and not pay a super TON for every bit of my stage makeup. I hope to get to play around with my hooker look today too with my sister. Also for today is probably getting some laundry out of the way so it isnt piled up after we get home and then of course the gym tonight to train legs. I will top off the night like normal with my dinner (mmmm....sweet potato!) and watching 2 episodes of So You Think You Can Dance.

Well, that's all I got for you all now. Hope you all are well. Bye for now!


Yesterday
Training: Back & Bis (already sore!)

pullups - 7,6,5,5,4
bb row SS bb bi curl - 5x6-8 / 4x8
narrow lat pulldown SS concentration curl - 5x6-8 / 4x10
hammerstrength wide low row - 5x6-8
wide grip (w/ handles) lat pulldown - 5x10
seated incline hammer db curl - 4x10

Cardio: 60 min total
20 min elliptical intervals - 30sec ~5.0rpm / 60sec ~11.0rpm @ level 10
20 min treadmill incline jog - 5.8mph @ 4.0 incline
20 min stepmill - aerobic mode level 10-12

Extra Stuff: does practicing hair count? LOL

Meals: 100% ON baby!

Busy Busy Busy

Well, today has once again been incredibly busy. I trained shoulders and did some abs quickly at the gym this morning, which was a very good session. Then, it was home to play with Makenzie before her nap. During her nap, I got some food prep done and finally finished the laundry from this weekend. In the afternoon, it was off to the grocery store for our weekly shopping and also Dick's Sporting Goods to get some different shorts for my sportswear outfit for the competition. The federation has a pretty strict no butt showing rule for the sportswear round and mine were border-line. After watching the show this weekend and seeing what other girls wore, I decided to be safe and get some different shorts. Hey - works for me because my butt is my weak point and a bit extra coverage there is a good thing in my book. Haha! 


After Peter got home, it was off to the gym again for a cycle class with my beloved instructor. I was sure to get there early this time to reserve my bike! Yowza was it a killer class. She called it her "Wipeout" class. Every 3rd song she played the "Wipeout" song (you know - the duhduhduhduhduhduhduhduhduhduh...WIPEOUUUTTTT" one") and during that song you had to go as fast as possible with moderate resistance the entire 2 minutes. Then the other 2 songs between each wipeout were different drills of breakaways, hill sprints, heavy resistance, jumps, etc. The goal is for us all to look like we went through a wipe-out dripping in sweat and to physically be wiped out when we leave. Yeah - she succeeded! Felt gooood!  


Now I will top off another successful day with some chicken and roasted veggies for dinner and watching last night's episode of Desperate Housewives with the most supportive man ever, while enjoying my tbsp of peanut butter for dessert! It's the little things in life. G'night everyone!!!

Meals: 100% ON ON ON (low day) 
Training: Shoulders
db overhead press - 5x6-8
db side raise - 4x8-10
bb upright row - 5x10
bb front raise w/ rear delt pull - 4x8
machine rear delt - 4x10
cable side raise - 3x8
Cardio: 60 min Spin Class
Extra Stuff: Abs & a bit of routine practice
Bench Crunch - 3x20
Planks 3x60sec
Bicycles - 3x25/side

Missing: Blogger

Things have been insanely too busy for me recently! I have been trying to get some show things in order, doing all the training/cardio/etc that goes with show prep, among other life plans. For example - here is how this weekend went.

Friday = laundry/dishes/cleaning house/being with Makenzie all day, training & cardio in the afternoon, spend some time with hubby at night after finishing things around home.

Saturday = training & cycle in the morning, more house stuff, out for errands such as ordering Makenzie's 1st Bday cake, checking out show makeup, park for family time, getting my suit pinned and cut to fit perfectly, drive 1 hr to watch another SNBF show to see what mine will be like, home at 1 am after picking the baby girl up from grandma's.

Sunday = teach Sunday school, church service, discuss plans with our friends for our vacation this upcoming week, gym for training. And still the rest of the afternoon I have to tutor a neighborhood kid and go bowling with one of my friends and meet her new boyfriend. Before coming home to food prep for the week and get dinner going.

This week will be cramming all of my weights in Mon-Thur since I will be out of town and won't be able to weight train on Fri or Sat, when I will focus on cardio with runs/walks on the beach. That of course also means this week will be getting everything in order for the trip - mostly things at home since my mom is coming to stay here to watch Makenzie for us while we are gone. So, yea, I am a busy woman these days. And do not foresee it calming down anytime soon...at all. Good thing I thrive on GO GO GO!

To close this post and show my apology for my lack of posting these few days I will give a shot of me in my suit. It's not the best by any means because it was late afternoon of a high day so I was a bit bloated and soft looking. Lovely. Blah! At least it will give you an idea and sometime in the next couple of weeks I know I will have to get proper updated progress pictures. Ciao for now!

Better Late Than Never

Wordless (a day late) Wednesday ;)