Ya know? Like in the cartoons where the bulb clicks on over someone's head in that AHA! moment? Well, that is the feeling I had this morning while watching a Joyce Meyer message during my am cardio session. During her message, she said something along the lines of it is impossible for her to be happy in life while being a selfish person. Ding ding ding!! We have a winner! FINALLY - a way to sum up why this whole competition prep thing has me in some sort of identity crisis the past few weeks.
Competing is a very selfish sport. The time it takes to plan and prep meals, fit in all the workouts, practice posing, get things organized for the show is a lot. Then, there is the lack of energy leftover for the people in your life due to the extra effort that goes into all I just mentioned - only compounded by the lack of food and extra energy expenditure in workouts. I want to live love. I want my life to revolve around showing love and support to my family, friends, and others instead of all the effort that is going into reaching this goal. Now, that doesn't mean we shouldn't have goals or that we shouldn't take time for ourselves. Those are things that are important to everyone and need to be a part of each individual's life.
However, sometimes certain goals become apparent that they are not best suited to living a truly fulfilling life, the most fulfilling of which is one that God would want for you. I firmly believe that God put it on my heart to work towards this show so that I could learn and grow in the process. So that I could grow to trust Him to get me through something I want to give up on at times. So that I could learn what is really worth my time/energy/etc in life and make those things the focus after all is said and done. I am taking these lessons and I can't wait to run with them - in just 11 short days.
I will say that I am super excited for the show. I am very happy to have continued down this path and achieved something in the process....not allowing the possibility for "what-ifs" and regrets in the future. The end is near and it makes the overwhelming frustration of the process more of a tiny niggling in the back of my mind. I am doing much better, but still look forward to the freedom that will come with making it to the other side of this competition. I have felt more like my normal self recently - like this past weekend where I focused on just having a good time and lots of fun with my daughter for her 1st birthday party. Things are looking up :)