Well, that is about how I felt a few moments ago. I am back from a wonderful weekend away with Peter and some of our closest friends. We had a fabulous time relaxing, talking, laughing, enjoying each other's company, etc. And over the course of the vacation I decided that I wasn't going to be as extremely strict for competition prep purposes as I had anticipated. It was a vacation. It was not a time to be stressing myself out but instead a time to let loose a bit. So, I did. I didn't do any of the cardio I planned to do or my weight workout when we got home on Sunday. I took a full 3 days of rest besides a couple of easy walks with my husband. I didn't measure out every morsel of food, ate some easier things (like extra fruit and snacks, less chicken & veggies), and even had some cheats with a delicious dinner out and an extra treat with my husband one night.
I did not feel guilty in the least about any of this. Is it the smartest thing for someone 4 weeks out from a figure competition? No, probably not. Is it a good decision for someone who wants to put living her life first above anything else? Yes, most definitely. Which is why I didn't feel guilty. I knew that my #1 goal in this process is to accomplish doing the show and looking the part on that stage. My #1 goal is not to win, or even place. Would it be nice? Of course. But that is still not the point of this show. So, with that in mind, and knowing I want to live my life and enjoy special moments with my friends and husband I took a more laid back approach to this weekend away. I am feeling the effects of it by feeling a lot more bloated and a lot less defined, as well as a decent scale bump but even that didn't get me down.
So, what sent me to feeling like just screaming at the top of my lungs? The feeling that I would have to JUSTIFY what I felt comfortable doing and what was best for my mindset and where I am at right now. The fact that I truly believe there are people out there who would hear of my weekend and think "Yep. I knew she couldn't handle this. She's not doing it like she should and it's going to show. She is not a true competitor." Why would I feel like that? Because I have attempted doing a show before and had to leave it behind. And when I made it known I was going after that goal again there were quite a few people who seemed shocked that I was attempting this again and not shocked in a "Wow, thats awesome!" way but shocked in a "Huh? Are you sure thats a good idea? I don't know if its right for you" kind of way. I am doing this show to have no regrets and to finish something I started before. And the fact that I'm not doing it by the textbook leaves me feeling defensive in some situations. And THAT is what irks me beyond belief and has me wanting to hit something while screaming at the top of my lungs. I should NOT feel that way.
I went to post an update on a fitness forum and felt like I had screwed up, like I was going to be judged, and like I was a failure. And for WHAT?! For enjoying my life, while doing things that although may not be perfect are in fact still not going to keep me from achieving what I have set out to do? I should feel no shame. And I don't as I finish typing this post. But I do feel frustration. That there are people out there who I know expect me to fail, expect me to not do this as "perfectly" as they might. But you know what? I have more to my life than this whole competition thing. It is a HOBBY and I'm proud to say it did not interfere with me being who I am and what I stand by. So for all of you doubters - I'm still setting out to do what I intended. I'm still going to get on that stage. I may not be as defined/lean/etc as I could have been if I took the prep diet and all more seriously...but you know what? I'm smiling and loving life too. Nothing can take that from me. Nothing.
And for the record - I do plan on sticking to things 100% the remainder of prep. And if I do another show, then that prep will be more about improving what I bring to the stage and taking things more seriously. And I do NOT feel guilty about this weekend. Things will still fall into place just fine for what I'm working so hard for.