Mixed Bag of Emotions

The past few days things have been up, down, side to side, backwards, forwards, and everywhere in between. My mind has gone in circles and it has all just been dizzying and a lot to handle. The emotions and mental games of competition prep are something else! It's interesting to feel as though things are harder than ever but easier all at the same time. The workouts, continued deficit food intake (sounds nicer than dieting, huh? haha), the planning. etc are all harder than ever to get through. But then, at the same moment, I can think I am only 19 days away from the finish line so everything seems brighter and more manageable too. Knowing that I only have so many days left of the limited eats and intense cardio makes it bearable to go through the motions. Knowing that in a week I will be getting my hair done, a few days after that having my wax, a few days after that my nails, and then getting glammed up for the show is exciting. Thinking about how FAST less than three weeks will go by is exhilarating.

BUT there is anxiety mixed in there as well. For example, last night was the 2nd time in the past week I have had a very very very realistic and intense dream where it was show day and I was at the venue, expected to go on stage in like 20 minutes.....with NO suit, tanner, makeup, hair, ANYTHING done. I wake up freaked and upset thinking all my effort was wasted. Come on now! And there is the feeling of isn't this all done YET!??? It's overwhelming all the time that goes into it and I just want to be intuitive again with what I eat, when I eat, etc and not having to schedule things around workouts and the more limited time I have these last days. Even though I don't let this competition prep stuff rule my life and am still a mother, wife, friend, etc first....I still miss the freedoms and ease of my life from a few short months ago and another few weeks when thinking about it that way seems like forever away.

So - I guess the point of this post is just to share that its weird. I am excited, pumped, and sooooo ready to have fun with the show and bust out 100% these last few weeks and the other half is just DONE! I know the first of the two sides will be victorious and carry me through these weeks with hopefully minimal disruptions from the exhausted side. But it is there. It is a struggle. It is hard. I guess that's what makes it worth it.......and worth it oh it will be. No doubt about that.